My Faith

My faith is precious to me. It is also something that I work on everyday of my life. I have felt a need to share it so I hope it helps someone out there, helps them to find peace and comfort in a confusing world.

Ever since I can remember I have loved to read. I loose myself in my books and I also loose everything around me, I “zone” while reading. The house could burn down and I wouldnever notice. The books I love most are ones like “great Alta” where the Amazon warriors are taught to bring forth their shadow sisters. Where ever there is a shadow your shadow sister is present, she  knows every thought you have for they are hers, she loves you even through your flaws and she knows them all. You share a soul.  Then there is Anne McCaffrey’s Dragonriders of Pern. The intelligent dragons and their riders share a telepathic bond upon the dragons birth when they “choose” their rider. Your chosen, you have a bond with someone who knows your heart and loves you no matter what. Do we see a pattern here?  I do.  I love books where your pursued, chosen and loved for you no matter what, where the other knows you inside and out and accepts you for who you are. I never saw what was there to see until 2 years ago and then not all at once.

For years I had struggled with a on again off again depression. Not clinical depression mind you, but still it was horrible in and of itself.  I would cry for hours with a loneliness I can’t even begin to explain. I felt so alone, so unworthy and such a fake, that nothing mattered.  I would be lazy, tired, angry and/or sad the majority of the time and I took it out on my family. I would loose my temper with my children and I would yell. I would tear them down to my level and did it make me feel better? of course not I only felt worse and I had the poor Me’s. I would be a bottle rocket with my faith, I would go full force bright and beautiful and fast, then it would fizzle out because I wasn’t “getting” it.

What changed? Well it wasn’t me. Not at first.  My life fell apart. Not totally but it sure felt like it was about to, like I was about to loose everything.  I believe sometimes we are trying so hard to “hear” God we forget to actually listen for Him. I believe it took drastic measures for him to finally reach me because I was too caught up in me, in my pain and my suffering.  I was faced with loosing my home, loosing my husband and not being able to support and provide for my kids. I was lonely, hurt, confused and so lost. I was tired both physically and emotionally. I wasn’t sleeping or eating and stress was making my body hurt and giving me chest pains and backaches. I had had enough and couldn’t go it alone anymore. I had put people around me on a pedestal and much to my surprise they fell off. They disappointed me, let me down.  I cried out to Jesus. I gave it all to him and told him I couldn’t do it alone anymore, I didn’t even wanna try. The memory of breaking down is one I will keep. Did everything get better over night? No it did not. But I had peace of mind. But by degree’s it did get better. I put my trust in the only one who would never let me fall and would never fall Himself.  One day I realized the stress was gone, I realized the contentment I had been looking for, I had it. There was no lightening bolt of a new creation, it came by degrees. I am growing into my faith.  Since that day I have not fallen into depression again, I have not cried from loneliness, I have not screamed at my  kids to tear them down. Do I still loose my temper? you bet but not like before and I am not “mean” anymore. When I do something I am not proud of, I confess it, I apologize right away and if it involves my kids I tell them why I said it, why it was wrong and what I should have done instead. I hope they can see the changes in me, I hope I didn’t wait to long.

I want so much to share what I have with others but I don’t know how. I am still afraid of rejection and I shouldn’t be.  Christ knew he would be rejected, he KNEW it but still he did what needed to be done.  I am not ashamed of him but I am ashamed of myself at times. All I wish for others is for them to find the peace of mind and contentment that I found in Jesus Christ.  He promises to always be with us. He will see us through any and all things. Life is not a rose garden there will be bad days, there will be pain and strife but what a comfort to know we don’t have to go through it alone, He will be there with us. The greatest comfort of all is to know that this is not it. This is not the end. I have a place prepared just for me. If I had been the only sinner in need of saving, still he would have died, just for me. He loves me that much. He knows everything in my heart, my every thought, my every desire and still he loves me. I will never be alone again and one day I will stand before Him, one day I will be home, and I will hear Him say “Well done, good and faithful servant” 

My worry is for those who don’t know him, who don’t call on his name. I pray that someone will read this, they will want what I have found in Him and take it for themselves. It is a free gift. All you have to do is believe in him, believe you are a sinner separated from God, believe Jesus is Gods son and he died for you, that he was raised again and has defeated death. Confess your sins, turn from them and raise your eyes to God. That is all it takes, the rest will come on its own. As a baby first learns to walk and talk so new Christians will learn step by step what it means to have salvation. I pray you take that first step.